Jo Krack for Naked Senate
Hi, I’m Jo Krack. You may remember me from such 432 articles as “Squirrels Gone Wild” and “So You Can’t Please Your Girlfriend.” You may also have noticed that I’m running for senate with the Radical Beer Faction this year. Naked.
If elected, I promise to bring radical change to this apathetic campus, whether you like it or not. First to go will be the clothes: clothing is expensive and uses up money better spent on beer. All buildings on campus will be properly heated so that students can comfortably do away with their confining clothing. I will also build large above-ground “travel tubes” connecting all buildings on campus— including residences—thus eliminating the need to face the cruel elements.
Hopefully, this new standard of nakedness will bring with it positive change in school spirit: I predict much more drinking and fraternizing. To encourage such behaviour, I will create new scholarships to reward such worthy achievements as throwing excellent bzzr gardens and winning more than five boat races per term. In addition, students will no longer be awarded scholarships based purely on their grade point averages; alcohol tolerance will also be taken into account.
To help students have fun while learning new skills, I will also be phasing out the Greek system and replacing it with student-owned and -operated brothels. It’s high time we took “by students, for students” seriously.
Finally, my recent travels in Japan have instilled in me a deep commitment to improving alcohol accessibility: if elected, I will ensure that every building on campus has at least one alcohol vending machine. So come on. Help turn your campus into the hottest, funkiest, drunkest campus ever! Elect Jo Krack and the Radical Beer Faction.
Vote Naked on January 18-24th!