Pat Pilarski for VP Finance
As chief mythical financial advisor for the Radical Beer Faction, I have a dream for the future. I have a dream for a campus where students are free from the tyranny of overwhelming tuition and rapidly accelerating alcohol prices. I have a dream for the financial future of the AMS.
Now you might ask, “How do you plan to bring about this dream?” or “Why should we believe a short man in green spandex?” I plan to bring about my vision through love, hard work, financial transparency, accountability, many trips to the pub and the manipulation of extremely complex physical principals that govern the malleability of spacetime in the greater Vancouver area. Now to the untrained eye, the manipulation of the time space continuum seems like a daunting, long, and a highly unstable way to generate funds. Luckily, with five years of engineering training and a veritable armada of life-experience based degrees from “accredited” online colleges*, I should be able to pull it off in a weekend**.
Through electromagnetic manipulation, salary equalization algorithms and a fair amount of budget padding, I will bring about a new financial revolution for the AMS. Vote RBF. Vote Green. Vote Pilarski. I’m magically Delicious!
* PhD. Fluid Dynamics of Ethanol – Drunkansurly University, Germany
PhD. Interpretational Mathematics – Maykitup College, Arkansas
MBA. Budget Formulation in the Complex Number Domain – Bre-X University, Borneo
** My plan is to exploit the spectral instantiation principle of common metals to fill the AMS coffers with shiny bling. As many scientists have noted, when a band of phase and frequency separated light passes across a semi spherical pewter orifice, a mass energy conversion takes place. The result is the transformation of light energy into a shiny metal known most commonly as “gold”. By replacing the SUB courtyard with a pewter bowl and installing large Tesla coils on the roof of Buchanan tower, I will direct a rainbow of light towards the AMS offices, filling the roof of SUB with gold. Naturally, this will unbalance the world gold market and possibly crush the main floor of the SUB, but who cares? We’ll be rich!